Ugh…that joke made me feel dirty
WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.
CEO of company that makes Segways killed on a Segway
This one wrote itself.
Jim Heselsen, CEO of 'The Segway Company', apparently had a mishap with his segway and drove it off a cliff. His body, and his segway, were found in a river 30 feet below. Ironically, this happened shortly before the scheduled release of a study about segway safety.
Is there really anything to say? I’m not trying to joke about death, but come on! Really? Riding a segway near a cliff? Seriously? That was a good idea, huh? In an effort not to disrespect the deceased, I’ll simply say this: bad things happen to good people. That does not mean, however, that all good people have common sense.
Generation FAIL
A new study shows that most kids are idiots. Ok, that’s not exactly what it said, but I’m pretty sure that’s what it implied. I’m serious. The Associated Press reported today that we are raising an entire generation of kids that cannot perform basic tasks. In a world of instant gratification and push-button technology, advancements in modern convenience have literally crippled modern young adults. Examples? Gladly!
One mother in the article says her teenage daughter has no idea how a can opener works. All she ever sees is pull-top cans. She struggles with the can opener for a while, and then gives up. Teenagers are so used to throwing clothes on a hook or in a hamper, many college students do not know how hangers work. In addition, many college kids have never done laundry or ridden a bus alone.
But my personal favorite: the author of the study watched her 12 year old son stare blankly at an ice tray. He’d never seen one. He’d only seen ice come out of the fridge. He had no idea how to get the ice out, and eventually gave up. He didn’t even put up a fight.
Normal Household Items (1) Young Adults (0)
You know what? Whitney Houston was wrong. I DON’T believe that children are the future. And you know what? It’s the parents fault! Look, if you’re a parent and you’re reading this -- this is not an indictment, this is a warning. Kids in diapers at age 4 and 5? 5 year olds in strollers? Teenagers that can’t use hangers or wash clothes? Don’t let this happen! And I know it’s avoidable. I grew up in the late 80’s-early 90’s. I know for a fact I could use a can opener and make ice by the first or second grade. (Shoot, I remember putting Kool-Aid in the ice tray and sticking toothpicks in it to make popsicles! Man, I loved those. Remember icees? You know, the sticks of flavored ice that you could cut the top off and…my bad, I digress…) People, we are raising a bunch of imbeciles. OK, new project: if you know an 8 year old, make him hang up some clothes, open a can, and tie a proper neck-tie knot. It starts with us, folks!
Leave it to the Pros
A mother in the UK was paralyzed in a stripper pole accident.
I couldn't make this up if you paid me.
Debbie Plowman, a 32 year old mother in the UK, has been "practicing" pole dancing for 2 years. While performing a routine move, she fell on her neck, and is now paralyzed from the neck down.
If you get a chance, read this article. My favorite part was when one of the instructors described this as a risky sport. Lady...chill. This is not a sport. This is an "technique" perfected by women who take their clothes off for a living. Pole vaulting? Sport. Pole dancing? Sluttyness. Are we clear?
Since when are we viewing pole dancing as exercise? Don't get me wrong, I don't doubt that it takes skill to do, but seriously? Don't give me that "I'm doing it to lose weight" nonsense. You're doing it because you wish you were hot enough to be a whore, but you're not. Listen up suburban mom who's ripe with insecurity: If you really want to live the life of a stripper, I'm sure you could find one that would take your place. Would you like to live in government housing, be gawked at by the degenerates of this great nation and do coke off the blade of a knife? Didn't think so. Innocent people are getting hurt because someone decided they could sell general sluttyness as exercise. Take a freakin spin class! If this doesn't stop soon, you're gonna see a lot of husbands misrepresenting the terms, if you know what I mean:
"Honey, where are you going with all those singles?"
"The stri...er...an exercise class!"
"OK, see you later!"
See my point?
But that girl in the picture? She's talented, people. TALENT!
That's a wrap for today, my friends. See you tomorrow!
Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts
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