How long has it been since we've had an Object of Affection? A while, right? Ladies, get ready to call me a vain, chauvinistic man-whore.
WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.
The honor of being called a Something Clever Object of Affection is not one easily bestowed. A lady has to be beautiful, elegant and have a certain...something. Some would call it...an "intangible" quality. Something that separates them from the rest of the crowd. The world is full of beautiful women. We're looking for beautiful souls.
That was deep, wasn't it?
Amanda Bynes is really funny and likes black guys
Stacy Keibler kicks butt and is a huge Ravens fan (Go Birds).
Erin Andrews knows more about sports than most dudes you know.
So, as you can see, I have standards.
But today, I stand before you a broken man. My heart has been swayed. I am smitten (yes, SMITTEN) by a new love. She is beauty, personified. And now, to officially inaugurate her as a Something Clever Object of Affection, I present this open letter:
Alice Braga
Age: 27
Seen in: Predators, City of God, I Am Legend
Dear Alice Braga,
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits. My name is Alex "Guilty" Watts. At this time, I'd prefer not to discuss why my name is "Guilty". Moving on, let me first say that I truly admire your work. Every performance I've ever seen you give is enthralling. In all honesty, you make it very easy to get lost in your characters, something that I think Hollywood has lost in their never-ending scramble for what they deem to be "star power". In an industry where the big names tend to just "mail it in", you make me care about a character like I'm watching an event of life, not just a movie. For that, I thank you.
I still remember when I first saw you. It was 3:00 in the morning, and I had that perfect combination of insomnia and basic cable that leads one to skip thru the channels aimlessly. I'm not sure why I started watching "Redbelt", but I remember saying something like "Hey, that's the dude from Serenity!" After 20 minutes, I regretted my decision. I'm sorry, I love you and I like Chiwetel Ejiofor, but I watched one-fifth of that movie on free T.V., and somehow I still felt like I overpaid. That being said, I couldn't stop myself from saying "who is THAT angel?!?!" when I saw you on the screen. I should have waited until the credits rolled so I could find your name. But alas, I did not. I finished a bottle of cheap beer and fell asleep.
Never fear, because I was destined to see your beautiful face again. After skipping I Am Legend in the theater, I watched the Blu-Ray at a friends house. Just as Will Smith had crashed his SUV and was getting jacked up by some "darkseekers", he gets saved. And who do I see? It's you! It's blurry and choppy, but it's you! Oh, what I would have given to be Will Smith's character. Lonely, slightly insane, definitely suffering from soft tissue damage, trauma and internal bleeding...but staring into your face as I lose consciousness? Yeah, I'd be totally cool with that. That's what we call "dying happy".
I'll admit, I had absolutely no interest in watching Predators. But I saw about 35 minutes of it at the barber shop, and let me tell you, you kick butt! She's beautiful, smart AND she's a killer? Who saw THAT coming? Lady, you are the total package. And after watching Repo Men, (which I was reviewing for this blog, but I was SO disgusted with the ending, I couldn't coherently write about it), I made a decision: this woman makes the cut. I have to write about her.
You know, my brother went to Brazil last year. He went to Sao Paulo, Curitiba and Rio de Janeiro. Ever since he came back, he's always telling me that I'm not allowed to get married until I visit Brazil at least once. I mention this to you because now I finally know why. You have the perfect mix of girl-next-door cuteness and stunning, amazing...even blinding beauty. I don't mean to be shallow, but seriously, you are fantastically attractive. Sweet and gorgeous. You look like you could visit a children's hospital then walk down a runway in the same outfit. You look like you could be a Maxim centerfold and start a petting zoo on the same day. How can you be that hot and that approachable?!?! You are so hot, I would pay to watch you eat a sandwich. No lie. But I think you get the point. I find you attractive.
Well, let me wind this up. I know you're a busy woman, and I don't want to take up too much of your time. I simply want to say that I admire your beauty and your skill. You are an amazingly talented woman. And though I have no business being seen in public with a woman like you, if you ever find yourself in the greater Washington D.C. area, I would like to buy you a cup of coffee...or tea...or juice, heck, whatever fine Brazillians drink. I'm serious. Call me. Let me take you to lunch. I have nothing to offer besides my sharp wit and an affinity for hard liquor, but I'll do my best. And with that, I would now like to make you, Alice Braga, this years first selection as an official Something Clever Object of Affection. My fair lady, I salute you!
Object of Affection, February 2011
Take care of yourself, and I look forward to enjoying your future entertainment endeavors.
-Alex
P.S. Seriously, call me. 571-3........
OK, I'll stop.
OK, one more pic...
Lady, you are Top-Of-The-Line FINE!
www.twitter.com/GuiltyWatts
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