By "special" I mean "I just pulled this one out of my backside".
This is my very first blog. I wrote this in late 2007 on Multiply.com, so the few people that followed me back then may remember this one. Yes, it's dated, but I feel like it's still slightly relevant. And even if it's not, maybe it'll be kinda funny. And if not...I don't really have a plan after that. Maybe I'll huddle in a corner, gently rocking back and forth in the fetal position, wondering why no one loves me, holding a lit candle in one hand and a steak knife in the other....
Wow...that got DARK, huh?....
WAKE UP THE MASSES! This is Something Clever.
A conversation with my sister brought up a very interesting question. It's something that’s been on my mind for a long time, and I’m sure has been on yours. We’ve all thought about it at some point, but for some reason, never spoke about it. This could be because of fear of reprisal or ridicule. Or maybe we somehow convinced ourselves that it wasn’t important enough to ponder outside of our own imagination. In any case, I feel the time has come to indulge our curiosity, and ask a question that has plagued at least 3 generations of this country’s young people:
Who in the world is buying and drinking TAB Cola?
I’ve devoted countless hours to this conundrum. I’ve spared no expense in my quest for an answer. These statements are, of course, horribly exaggerated. In any case, these, my friends, are my findings:
History:
TaB was the first diet soft drink brand produced by the Coca-Cola Company. The Coca-Cola Company wanted to develop its own diet cola. However, as the company had a long-standing policy of using the Coca-Cola name only on its flagship product, it developed the TaB brand instead. It was introduced in 1963.
One of the reasons that it was considered controversial, unadvertised and ignored by consumers is that it was reformulated so many times. Its original sweetener was a chemical called cyclamate, which was banned by the FDA in 1969. They switched to saccharin and continued on, but that was banned in 1977. The U.S. Congress lifted the ban in the same year, but required all products containing it to print a warning label that said that saccharin is known to cause cervical cancer. TaB came with a warning label until 1984, when they switched to aspartame, which is still used to this day.
According to the Coca-Cola Web page, the beverage is called TaB because it helps people who keep tabs on what they consume. According to an Atlanta Magazine article published in May 1963, Coca-Cola's marketing research department used its IBM 1401 computer to generate a list of over 250,000 four-letter words with one vowel, adding names suggested by the company's own staff. The list was stripped of any words deemed unpronounceable or too similar to existing trademarks. From a final list of about twenty names, "TABB" was chosen, influenced by the possible play on words, and shortened to "TAB" during development, and designer Sid Dickens gave the name its familiar capitalization pattern ("TaB") in the logo he designed.
The more common theory is that “TAB” stands for Totally Artificial Beverage, since it is the only Coke brand that doesn’t have any natural ingredients.
My take on the whole thing? Where do I start?
Why in the world would you drink something that can’t find an ingredient that doesn’t KILL people?! They have an established history of using chemicals that kill people. It had a warning label for 7 years! Certain things come with warning labels. Cigarettes. Children's car seats. Toys full of lead because they were made in Taiwan. Not SODA! I have a problem with that.
In addition, the logo has not changed since 1963. This means that people like Jimi Hendrix, Neil Armstrong, John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon drank TaB Cola out of the same can design that I do today! (figuratively speaking though, I don’t drink that crap.)
Not to mention that the naming procedure is the most convoluted thing I’ve ever heard of. You used a supercomputer to come up with the name Tab? Really? Because I would think that if you had a supercomputer, you would come up with a name like “power-infusing, super-juiced, orgasmic, gets-you-into-heaven, soul elixir nectar of the Gods.” Instead, you got Tab. Sure, my name is longer, but it's catchy. And it would take up the whole can, thus forcing you to redesign the friggin logo more than once every 44 years.
My conclusion: Tab had a noble beginning. But no one wants to drink a diet soda that kills people and animals, especially one whose logo looks like it belongs in a house full of perms and shag carpeting. Tab is mostly sold in the south and Midwest now. In 2006, Coke tried to revive the brand by bringing Tab back as an energy drink. Maybe they could have a resurgence. They're still selling Cheerwine and Tahitian Treat. Stranger things have happened.
I don't care, I'm still not drinking that cancer-laden crap.
Side note: Coming soon to a 7-11 near you: Power-Infusing, Super-Juiced, Orgasmic, Gets-You-Into-Heaven, Soul Elixir Nectar Of The Gods-Cola!!!!
Watts
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