BLACK TO THE FUTURE!!!!
WAKE UP THE MASSES! This is Something Clever. GNARLY!
Who doesn't love the 80's? I think it's safe to say that a good amount of people reading this blog are 80's babies, and I know you've heard your share of those memorable 80's stuff. Oh, how I long for the time when leg warmers, parachute pants and the "Dwayne Wayne flip-up shades" come back into style. Which got me to thinking...80's music...didn't really make a whole lot of sense, did it?
Now, I'm not saying that 80's music as a whole was bad. I mean, when you compare it to some of the stuff that gets on the radio today, I'd gladly take "Walk like an Egyptian" over "Turn my Swag on". But as much as some people talk about the garbage that we hear today, I think we should take a look back and really think about some of those songs they were listening to 20 years ago. A lot of them are either way dumber, way weirder or way more androgynous than we remember. (yes, I used the word "androgynous". Too big for you? Google it!")
Now, without further adieu, let's take a look at some hits from the 80's...before Kanye samples them all....
"Tainted Love"
"Sometimes I feel I've got to 'honk, honk' run away/I've got to 'honk, honk' get away". I know what the song means, but let's be honest, all you remember about this song is "honk honk". Was "honk honk" necessary? With all the synthesizers being used in the 80''s the best you could do was "honk honk"? Outside of that, this song is a classic example of a trend that was very big in the 80's. The infamous "Cherry, poppy sounding tune that's really about something kind of dark or creepy."
"Once I ran to you/Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all!"
Read between the lines! This chick is killing him! But she's killing him to a VERY catchy tune...
"99 Luftballoons"
Once again, very upbeat tune. An upbeat tune about NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST!!!! Don't feel bad if you didn't know that before. For Christ's sake, the song is in German! Fun fact: The German version of this song hit #1 on the charts in the USA. The English version never even got on the charts. I'm suspicious...you can't trust Germans....
"Never Gonna Give You Up"
never gonna give you up/never gonna let you down/never gonna roam around and/desert you.
Ah, Rick Astley. Lets put the "Rick-Rolling" aside for a moment and remember when this man's name wasn't just a euphemism for getting PWNED on an internet chat room. Think about when you first heard this song. I bet you heard his voice and you said "Hmm, Barry White has a cousin that sings?" Then you saw him, and you thought "Hmm, Opie from the Andy Griffith Show really grew up." How that voice came out of that little red-haired man is beyond me.
Anything by Lionel Ritchie
I'm serious about this. The Commodores broke up, and this man lost all self respect. What did he produce in the 80's? Let's look at the list:
In the 1990's Lionel Richie produced:
- Black eyes, scars and busted lips from when his wife beat his behind.
- Weird looks from people when he did that creepy video with the blind girl.
- Anger from the black community when he did "Dancing on the Ceiling."
- Nicole Richie
A decade of FAIL.
"I Wear My Sunglasses At Night"
This song sounds like a police interrogation of a serial stalker. Check these lyrics:
"I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why would you do that?
"So I can, so I can"
So you can what??"
"Keep track of the visions in my eyes. While she's deceiving me"
OK, dude, that's kind of weird
"DON'T PUSH THE BLADE ON THE GUY IN SHADES!"
Lock him up!
"Oh no!!!"
See what I mean?
"Sweet Dreams"
Sweet dreams are made of these/Who am I to disagree?/I've traveled the world, and the seven seas...
This song is kinda like the boat ride from "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." Creepy as heck. What is the point of this song? And it's not just the lyrics...the MUSIC is insane! This is the most evil synth of the entire decade! This song scared the crap out of me as a kid.The only 80's song more jacked up for kids to listen to is Thriller, and even that's not as bad...til you watch the video...I HATE Vincent Price...
"Electric Avenue"
This song...actually...no...no, I forgot, I really like this song. It's a good song! Screw you!
"Hungry Eyes"
It's the song from "Dirty Dancing." And it sounds disgusting. Hungry eyes? Just the title makes my skin crawl. I want NO part of a woman that has "hungry eyes" for me. You know why? But something tells me that if a woman tells you she has "hungry eyes" what happens next really isn't up to you, son.
Watts, you nasty!!!!
"I'll be watching you"
Call it touching and romantic if you want, this song is creepy. Every move you make/every step you take? What crazy woman thinks these lyrics are endearing? Yeah, they sound so sweet...until there's some greasy-haired dude in bifocals and a "Members Only" jacket whispering those same lyrics outside your apartment building. "Baby can't you see.You belong to me?" Romantic, huh? That one line is enough to get a restraining order in most states.
"Everybody Wang Chung Tonight"
'nuff said.
The moral of the story is: listen wisely. And when it comes to the 80's, stick to the people we trust:
And there's my 80's wrap up! I hope you found it Rad and Tubular! And since Facebook and Twitter won't exist for 15-18 years, I'll just see you on Friday.
Watts
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