WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.
So, summer movie season is almost over. This one had more ups and downs than a lot of people expected. Let's be honest, last summer gave us a lot to work with. Star Trek. Fast and Furious. Terminator: Salvation. Clash of the Titans. So did we bring it in 2010? Well, let's break it down and see! Here is the Something Clever 2010 Summer Movie Review.
Iron Man 2
Released: May
Action: A lot
Plot: Awesome
Hot Chicks: Scarlett Johannson
Token Minority: Samuel L. Jackson
This movie was EPIC. For comic book fans, it was everything you could want. It stayed true to the comic and still explored some things that would appeal to an average movie-goer. Scarlett is hot. Mickey Rourke is scary. Also, the IMAX version was AMAZING. If for some reason you haven't seen this movie, you're an idiot, probably an orphan and no one loves you. You should go. Now.
The A-Team
Released: June
Action: What do you think?
Plot: Campy, but not bad
Hot Chicks: Jessica Beil, and a few more scattered around
Token Minority: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson
I remember watching this show when I was a kid, and the movie didn't disappoint. I know some people say it was a little campy and unbelievable, but that's exactly what the show was. You don't go into this movie for intellectual stimulation, you go to see stuff blow up. Let me assure you...stuff blows up. Definitely worth a viewing.
Toy Story 3
Released: June
Action: Cartoony
Plot: Again, Cartoony...yet...heartwarming
Hot Chicks: Barbie?
Token Minority: hmm...maybe...Lots-o-Huggin Bear? He's kinda black
This one is for the grown folks. Yeah, I know it's a kids movie, but it's MY generation that grew up on Toy Story. Disney and Pixar OWED us a conclusion. And this movie delivered. Good plot, good one liners and plenty of franshise merchandise. And most importantly, it reminds us of a time when someone could say "Woody" and no one would say "that's what she said!" Memories...
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Released: June
Action: Gay
Plot: Gay
Hot Chicks: Doesn't matter, they're all pale
Token Minority: I don't wanna claim that dreadlocked poser
I didn't see it. But I know dudes that did. And I no longer associate with them. This blog takes a firm stand against the occult...especially when it's this homo! I've said it before, and I'll say it again...vampires don't look like they should be fronting an emo band in a garage in Scranton. Vampires don't fall in love. Vampires don't wear makeup and eye-liner. Vampires kill people. If you don't agree, watch Blade, and imagine Wesley Snipes going upside the head of your precious little Edward.
Jonah Hex
Released: July
Action: Western Style
Plot: predictable
Hot Chicks: Megan Fox
Token Minority: Lance Reddick (barely)
I saw this movie for free, turned it off before it finished, and still felt like I overpayed. Paper thin plot. BARELY true to the comic. And let me make one thing clear: MEGAN FOX CAN'T ACT! She's supposed to just sit there and look good, but this movie has her talking. A lot! Oh, and I loved the half northern/half Georgian accent she had...even though they were supposed to be in Texas. I think it's prophetic that the film's biggest scene is a scene about TRAIN WRECK. Fitting.
The Last Airbender
Released:July
Action: Fast
Plot: What plot?
Hot Chicks: They all look 15
Token Minority: As few minorities as possible...for a film based on an anime
Fail. Fail, fail, fail and fail. None of the original characters. None of the original plot. No explanations of anything that's going on. And finally, a bunch of white people playing asian people. WTH? That's like Tom Cruise playing Afro Samauri. If this movie was a person, I'd punch it.
Inception
Released: July
Action: Dreamy...or is it???
Plot: Literally peiced together on about four different levels
Hot Chicks: Not so much, but Ellen Page is nerd-hot
Token Minority: We're adopting Jopseph Gordon Levitt...and there's a cool asian.
Brain-gasm! This movie was so consfusing, I had to start lying to people and saying I'd never seen it, just so people would stop asking me questions about it! Dreams! Reality! Subconsious! Stealing! People from the Batman movies! Really, really good looking outfits! What more do you need?...oh yeah, pen and paper, a calculator, a Harvard grad and several conspiracy experts to figure out what the frak is going on!!!! Still, awesome movie...and great planning on the part of Chris Nolan: make the movie so confusing, they have to see it 5 times!
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Released:August
Action: What if Street Fighter was your LIFE?
Plot: Epic
Hot Chicks: Almost every girl in the movie
Token Minority: Ellen Wong (Kinves Chau)
If you were ever into old school Nintendo games, this will be the most imaginative movie you'll see all summer. It's funny, original and just plain cool. Casting was completely on point. Yes, Michael Cera is kind of a loser, but that's the role he plays in every movie, so obviously, he's good at it. The songs are cool and funny. The action reminds you of a live-action anime. Basically, this is what M. Night Shyamalan WISHES he could do. And almost every girl in the movie is girl-next-door cute. Which is why I'm REALLy mad that it's not doing so well at the box office. I urge you, if you can, see this movie. It will be worth it. In fact, if you see it, and you don't like it at least a little, I will give you a Something Clever t-shirt.
You cannot call me and you cannot write me, but if you see it, and can find some way to track me down and meet me face to face in a public area where there are at least three eye-wittnesses, and can give me legit reasons that you didn't enjoy the movie, and it's within the next 90 days, and it's not a leap year, and the price of unleaded gas is below $2.58 in the greater Washington D.C. area...then yes, I will give you a tshirt with no pain in my heart. You have my word.*
*you don't really have my word. This is a joke.
I hope you've enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing. Hit me up, you know how to find me. I'm going back to bed.
Watts
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