The NFL is back! And thank God it's here. I'm sorry, I'm not a sports fan, I'm an NFL fan. I don't give a crap about baseball, or most other sports. I mean, after the NBA Finals, what else is there? Steroids? Tiger humping some chicks? Sorry, not enough to hold my attention. Well...the chicks are...but I digress. Alas, football is back, and in the nick of time. And with it are Something Clever's 2010 NFL Predictions. Pull out your checkbooks, folks. You're betting with a winner!
WAKE UP THE MASSES! This is Something Clever. Let's get to it!
Betting the Spread:
Katrina footage being shown at New Orleans Saints games: +10
Look at it this way: There's 8 home games, so that's 8 showings right there. And they'll probably make the playoffs. I'm not making light of the situation, but let's be honest, whenever they want that team to get pissed off, they start showing floods and homeless black people. That footage alone will account for 3 wins this year, mark my words. As for the number, I'd bet the over.
Number of Detroit Lions fans that will contemplate ending it all: +1000
OK, so the Lions have about 40,000 season ticket holders, right? (surprised me too, but they actually have a waiting list). And they say that 1/4 of all people have mental issues. So 10,000 people. 1/3 of those people probably have a family, so let's call it 6,000. Half of them will find something else to live for. 3,000. And 1/3 of those people will realize that along with rooting for the Lions, they also have to LIVE in Detroit. Bet the over.
Number of total meltdowns from coaches at post-game press conferences: +5
This is a tough one. We don't have a Parcells or a Green or a Mora this season. But let's not discount Rex Ryan. This dude cusses like a sailor when he's getting breakfast, let alone if Sanchez throws a few picks. And we still got Mike Singletary. Remember...he wants WINNERS! I'm gonna say bet the under, but it's tricky. Oh, what I wouldn't do for an old-school Jim-Mora Sr. "Playoffs?!" rant...
Number of times Tom Coughlin will look utterly confused on the sidelines: +32
This may not seem like a big deal, but seriously...watch a Giant's game. Tom Coughlin looks completly lost half of the time. I don't know what it is, but the camera always catches him looking towards the field or towards the official, with an expression that says "someone just asked me about algorithims." Let's say twice per game, not counting challenges or playoff games...you may want to bet the over.
Number of former coaches serving as analysts that will say "What I would have done..." while commenting on a game: +8
Herm Edwards and Brian Billick want to coach again. As soon as some idiot coach goes for it on 4th and 4 from their own 38, these guys are going to chime in. (Note: the line goes -5 every time Dick Vermeil gets emotional in front of a microphone.)
Number of times Joe Buck will turn away from Troy Aikman to make eye contact with the TV audience: N/A
Even if it's at +1000, bet the over. Joe can't stop himself. And with at least 19 broadcast games, we're making eye contact a lot.
Number of times Shannon Sharpe's deep southern accent combined with his excitability will render him completely incoherent: +30
Bet the over...poor Shannon...
Number of times the same thing will happen to Terry Bradshaw: +72
Number of times Al Davis takes to the sidelines in his pajamas: +20
Chances he'll die: ZERO
Odds that the Super Bowl halftime show will feature an act that peaked before I was in Grade School: 8 to 1
Tom Petty? The Who? Bruce Springsteen? Hey NFL, if you want to breathe some life back into the Halftime Show, how bout some soul? Bring in some black people! Jamie Foxx, Ne-Yo...heck, the Black Eyed Peas!!!
NO, Prince don't count!!!!
Players that will be caught doing something really stupid:
QB:
Smart money is on Matt Leinart.
Mike Vick messed up with a shooting at a birthday party over the summer. Chris Simms got caught with weed and Vince Young punched somebody at a strip club. Leinart is about to lose his starting job, which he just got back, by default. He also has a history of getting his picture taken with whores in hot tubs. It's only a matter of time before he cracks under the pressure and gets caught with a bong in a Beverly Hills gas station.
RB:
Lendale White is already about to serve a suspension for substance abuse. This dude got cut by his COLLEGE coach. If you wanna take a risk, look for Beanie Wells to find his inner "Maurice Clarett" when he realizes that he's on a team that has NO run game.
WR:
Terrel Owens and Chad OchoCinco as a unit. Or Carson Palmer for attacking both of them.
Defense:
The Bengals...all of 'em. But if you count family court, Antonio Cromartie is a nice pick. This dude cant remember all 8 kids, he'll never remember that many court appearances. And he's playing in New York now? I smell 4 more kids.
That's all folks. I hope you enjoyed this preview. Comment, Facbook, Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts. I'm ready for kickoff!
OK, just for old times sake...Jim Moras Playoffs rant!!!!
Never gets old!!!!
Watts
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