You think comics can't be racist? You're not trying hard enough!
WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.
I was thinking about comics at work today - because I'm a nerd and I'm lazy. Anyway, I can't really give you a specific reason I got on this subject matter, but somehow, I started thinking about Captain America. And the way I see it...there's a fundamental problem. Captain America is the defender of our fair country. He's a symbol. He represents the American people. But if that's the case, shouldn't he be a little different? I mean, come on...a perfect physical specimen with no problems and no worries and no responsibilities except to protect the United States? Patriotic? Yes. Realistic? Not really. So I was thinking...if Captain America is authentic; a true representation of the USA, here's what he SHOULD be:
1. He's a little overweight. I mean, he can still be strong and fast, but come on. He's American. There's got to be at least a few panels about him squeezing into a suit.
2. He's in debt up to his eyeballs. Credit card mismanagement, 2nd and 3rd mortgages...you name it. He'd have his Chevy Tahoe repossessed while fighting Red Skull, and he'd have to take the bus home...with Peter Parker.
3. He speaks Spanish.
4. He's had a paternity suit against him
5. He spends his free time playing Guitar Hero and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
6. He always asking Iron Man for a loan, because "you know I'm good for it!"
And these are just a few, off the top of my head. But then I got to thinking: How come only America gets a "captain"? Why don't other countries get one? And if they did, what would they be like? Well, lets see:
Captain Jamaica
This would be the most laid back superhero in existence. He'd have dreads, and probably wouldn't bother with a mask. His super powers would be moving very slowly to confuse the enemy, and being a phenomenal dancer. He'd smell like hemp. His alter ego would own a bar near the beach.
Captain Britain
He'd probably try to talk things out a lot. This would result in beatings. Many, many beatings. Captain America would make fun of him. He'd have bad teeth. And his taste in food would be God awful.
Captain Germany
I imagine he'd be ill tempered and the butt of various Nazi jokes from the other superheroes. Techno music would start playing when he showed up, and he'd drive a VW.
Captain France
He'd be hard to get along with, he'd pull out of the fight mid-way through and abandon his friends and he'd smell. Did I miss anything?
Captain Italy
He'd show up to save you...with some of the best cuisine in the world. Then he'd steal your girlfriend.
Captain China
Already exists. He wears a yellow Adidas jumpsuit, and his name is Bruce Lee.
Captain Japan
He'd have so many technologically advanced weapons, fighting bad guys would be a chore, not a duty. He would make fun of our primitive iPhones and XBOX's while he played with some futuristic robot he controlled with his mind. But since he has the latest in digital technology, hanging out at his place would be awesome.
Captain Ireland
I imagine a lot of drinking. But one things for sure...he'll win any fight!
Captain Mexico
This one was fun. Captain Mexico would proudly serve his country...from his secret lair...in San Diego. Every time he went to help someone, he'd be leaving a cookout or a party. His motto would be "Can't Captain America do it?!" He'd question Captain Canada's sexuality. He'd steal Captain Germany's car. His super powers would come from a magic bottle of tequila. His arch-enemy would be border patrol.
Captain Canada
You'll like this. When I first thought about this, I thought of a man dressed in red and white, carrying maple syrup and saying "Eh?" a lot. The lone defender of a barren, snowy wasteland called Canada. Then, after looking into it, I found out there's not one, but TWO Captain Canada's in existence!!!
The first is: The Guardian. He was actually created by Marvel Comics to be the Canadian version of Captain America. Can you imagine seeing THIS guy in a summer movie?
Me neither.
The second is Captain Canuck. He's less "Canadian counterpart of Captain America" and more "complete and total ripoff of Captain America". He's from a futuristic world where Canada is now the most powerful country in the world. Yeah, this comic is definitely steeped in fantasy.
But believe it or not, this guy actually IS getting a movie. It'll probably be a B-movie, only released in Canada, but a movie none-the-less.
This leads me to the Question of the Week: Who do think should play Captain Canada? (sorry, Canuck sounds stupid to me).
If you have anymore, feel free to add them. Remember, this was all in good fun, so no hate mail, OK???
Have a safe and fun long weekend! See you Monday.
Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts
Watts
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