What Happens At The Fair...Stays In Your Digestive Tract For Years To Come

Broadcasting LIVE from...a mild state of constant irritation...


WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

Have you ever been to a State Fair? For some people, it's an important yearly event. For others, it doesn't matter much. In all the time I've lived in Virginia, I have never been to one state fair. However, when I lived in Columbia, SC, I was 20 minutes from the Fairgrounds, and I went every year. Also, there's a whole less to do in SC PERIOD, so maybe that's why.

Ahh, the State Fair. Dirty sorroundings. Odd smells. Stunningly unattractive people. Rides that wouldn't be deemed safe in a third-world country. And the food. Oh, the things you can eat at the fair! State Fairs are like nutritional 'Red Light' districts. You go there, and you eat things you would NEVER normally put in your mouth, made in ways you would NEVER normally prepare food, served by people you would NEVER normally allow to serve you. Isn't that right?

Seriously, think about it. Don't even think about the food, just think about the guy making it. Isn't he always missing something? You know what I mean. The guy that makes the cotton candy and the funnell cakes always has ONE of something. If you're lucky, it's something not easily noticable, like one ear. But usually, you're not so lucky. You get the dude with one eye. One hand. One arm. One leg. It's even worse when you get a guy that lost something that you only have one of. Like if he's missing a nose. Not cool. Apparently, when your warped, amputated appearance and generally gruff demeanor ruin your dreams of becoming a Wal-Mart greeter, you go to work at the State Fair. Seriously, you don't see crap like that at Six Flags.

But I digress.

I bring this up because my big sister was kind enough to provide me with some pics from the South Carolina State Fair. Specifically, pics of the...delicacies...that can be found there. If a pictures worth a thousand words, I'm about to write a greasy, sugary, naueasiating novel. And here...we...GO!

First things first, I always thought the "Luther" was an urban legend. For those that are uninitiated, the "Luther" is a double-cheeseburger, with bacon, cooked in fat and lard and served on...not a bun...but two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I just had a light stroke typing that.

I'll be the first to tell you that I love food, but eww! This is sickening! The thought of all those greasy flavors mixing in your mouth and slowly, SLOWLY working its way down your throat...ugh. Can you imagine how that would even look? You can't?

Let me help:

I love the fact that they felt the need to fry the doughnut as well. Do you want to know why America is fat? It's because we're actually seeking ways to GET fat. This isn't something that always existed! Someone had to get this idea moving! Someone had to sell it! We actually did this on purpose. Man, they can't cure diabetes, but they sure can find a thousand ways to cause it! And people are EATING this crap! Everytime someone takes a bite, they're saying to themselves, "Screw my 50's!".Ugh...just icky.

What else we got?

I truely hope that Obamacare makes some sanctions on what you can and cannot put on a stick for human consumption. How do you come up with an idea like this, let alone get someone to buy into it?! What was THAT meeting like?!

Boss: What do you have for me, Johnson?
Johnson: OK, so everyone likes pork chops and turkey, right? But who wants to spend their entire dinner using their fork to poke the meat, then have to bring it all the way up to their mouths?
Boss: I like where you're going with this.
Johnson: My solution? Sticks! Pork on a stick! Turkey on a stick! This way, all the eater has to do his hold their arm up! No more tenuous use of silverware!
Boss:...how soon can we put this product out there?
Johnson: Sir...I've already got the sticks...
Boss: BRILLIANT!!!

OK, I don't KNOW if that's what happened, but that's how it went down in my head...

There are a lot of things wrong with this picture, lets work from top to bottom:

Deep frying is evil. It's unnatural. One time, at Disney World, I decided to try a deep fried Snickers bar. By the third bite, I was in pain. My teeth hurt. I felt like my SOUL now had high cholesterol. Deep frying things that aren't meant to be fried is a dangerous proposal.

As for this picture, this isn't the first time I've seen that banner at the top. Me and my friends once decided to deep fry some double-stuffed Oreos. No one was able to eat more than two. We were all sick. It's like I could feel my insides struggle to breakdown the clusterbunch of cream, batter, cookie and despair that I had just swallowed. Not a good look.

As for the second sign...I'm reserving insults because I can't even tell how this is scientifically possible. Butter? Are we eating BUTTER now? There are so many questions! Is this a stick of butter? Is it margerine? How does the butter survive the frying process? How is this accomplished? Do you batter the butter? Do you just get a hunk of butter out of a tub, or does it have to be a butter stick? Can you use a stick, like you do with the pork chops? Is it a stick of a stick of butter? In batter? Then fried? Do you eat the stick? Do you spread it on something else? How does deep fried batter spread? I need to know the physics! What kind of perversion of science allows a stick of butter that can't survive room temperture to survive a vat of boiling grease?!?! RIDDLE ME THAT!!!



Whew! I got fired up there! I'm tired. I need a snack.


Something not on a stick, not fried and served by someone with all of their appendages, please.



See you tomorrow.




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