America...Based On A True Story

There's an old western called "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence". I watched it when I was a kid. It's about this unassuming nobody that accidentally gets credited for shooting a notorious outlaw named Liberty Valence. He goes along with the lie his whole life, but as an old man, he confesses to a newspaper reporter that he, in fact, did not shoot the outlaw. The reporter, however, rips up the confession and refuses to print it. He says: "When the legends become facts...you print the legends."

Welcome to America.


WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! We're still here!...and this is Something Clever!

I'm fascinated by little facts about America. More specifically, I love anything that proves that this country isn't as sovereign and wonderful as people think. I've said some things on this blog that have been deemed anti-American before. I'm not anti-American, I just have a very realistic view of what America is...and isn't. Follow me on this, all right?

Robert Wuhl is a really funny and smart comedian who did an HBO special called "Assume the Position". If you can find it, it's really informative and REALLY funny. Basically, he spends a half hour talking to a college class about what they think they know about the U.S. and what the true story is. A lot of it I had already heard of, but I liked the way it was presented. The basic premise is that the story of America is more like "based on a true story". So, let's talk about this premise for a while. What's something that's inherently American, that we, the people, don't give a second thought to? Hmm...

Yankee Doodle!

Everyone learned this song at some point in school. If I just write out the first line, you'll probably start singing it to yourself:

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it "Macaroni"

Oh, don't trip! I can keep going!

Yankee Doodle pick it up
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy

A simple, patriotic song for the kids right? RIGHT? Meh...I don't think so. Here's the real story: First things first, Yankee Doodle Dandy is NOT an American song. It's British. The exact origin is unknown, but it was probably thought up by British soldiers. Yankee, as a lot of you know, is a derogatory term for Americans that the British came up with. So, that part is easy. Doodle is another British term that basically means simpleton or dummy. And Dandy? Well, Dandy means...well...

Yeah...that's a Dandy.



Stay with me, people; I'm making a point. So, now we know what a Yankee Doodle Dandy is. Have you ever wondered why that song was talking about "macaroni"? Let me shed some light: "A macaroni in mid-18th century England was a fashionable fellow who dressed and spoke in an outlandish and effeminate manner." Translation: A homo. I'm not judging -- I'm just saying, this is what it is. Moving on. Let's put two and two together. Yankee Doodle is a dumb American who came into town on a horse with a feather in his hat, attempting to act like a fruit.

I don't think that's the image that the founding fathers were going for. I know all that sounds hard to believe. So, I did some digging around. And here are the REAL lyrics to the song we know and love:

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it "Macaroni"

(chorus)
Yankee Doodle-doodle-doo,
Yankee Doodle dandy,
All the lassies are so smart
And sweet as sugar candy.

Father and I went down to camp,
Along with Captain Gooding,
And there we saw the men and boys
As thick as hasty pudding

(chorus)
Yankee Doodle pick it up
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy

That sounds a lot less like a patriot and a lot more like...well...

Yeah...that.


Now you might be asking yourself: "Why would we as a country adopt a song that's making fun of us?" Simple. We didn't know! Heck, Americans didn't know anything about macaroni, effeminate Brits, yankee doodle or any of that other stuff. But dang it, we know a good tune when we hear it! We liked it, we started singing it and here we are today, teaching our kids to sing about gay historical figures. Doesn't really bother me, though. Have you ever been to a high school football game?

THIS is the dude that wrote We Will Rock You

See? Everyone likes gay ballads!

So, let's see here...what ELSE can I teach you about? How about the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere? Awesome story. Awesome poem from school. Awesome song by the Beastie Boys...but I digress. Paul Revere, as the story is told, rode through the state of Massachusetts to warn the colonists: THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!

Except he didn't do that.

Do you know who Israel Bissell is? Of course you don't, most people don't. Well, Israel was a post rider in Massachusetts, along with Samuel Prescott, Paul Revere and several others. According to historical record, HE was the first one that got the message and rode to warn the people of the British invasion. He rode from Watertown, MS to Philadelphia, PA to warn people. 345 miles! His first horse actually died of exhaustion! That's a long time in a CAR! Can you imagine on a horse?!?!

Now to be fair, Paul Revere also rode...from Boston, MA to Lexington, MA. Thats' about...19 miles. For my DMV people, that's like riding from the Leesburg Outlet Mall to Reston Town Center. That ain't exactly cross country.

So, why, you may ask, does Paul Revere get all the credit? Well, during the Civil War, in an attempt to tell a story of patriotism, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow decided to write a poem about the "Midnight Ride". And for whatever reason, he used Paul Revere's name instead of Israel Bissell. (To be fair, I'm not sure how I would rhyme "Bissell" either.) Anyway, the poem was a huge success and everybody just went along with the assumption that Paul Revere was the only rider that night. Also, for the record, Revere never shouted THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Somebody made that up.

So, why does Paul Revere get all the credit? Simple. He had a better publicist.

Like I said...when the legends become facts...print the legends.

Class dismissed!

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