You Know What BOYS Like???

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed on this blog are mostly jokes and satire, and are meant to be taken as such. If you become offended by taking me too seriously...well...that's your own fault...



So, you think you have us figured out, huh? Lemme learn ya...


WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

I've had an insane case of writer's block recently. Such is the peril of writing a variety blog. The good news is: I have no set format, so I can write whatever I want. The bad news is: I have no set format, so I can write whatever I want. So, what do you do? Funny pictures? News stories? Real life drama? Sports? Geek life? Oh, the possibilities are endless.

I decided it had been about a month since I did anything about "guy stuff." It's hard to write guy stuff without coming off either like a chauvinistic pig or completely NSFW...or both. I've done some guy topics; tech stuff, females to look for, Objects of Affection. In fact, "Something Clever Presents: Hottest Girls You've Never Heard Of" was one of the most read posts I've ever done. (Side Note: Minka Kelly was featured in that blog. Two weeks later, she was #1 in Esquire's "Women to Watch" issue. I'm more "in the know" than Esquire? Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but...BEEP BEEP). Anyway, as you may have noticed, nothing worth writing about has hit my brain in weeks. Then, just as I was preparing for Hara-Kiri, inspiration hit...

I was out with some friends a few weeks ago (hopefully, none of them read this, but just in case, I won't use names or locations). Anyway, we got on the subject of relationships. I HATE talking about relationships. I am not good at them. I KNOW I'm not good at them. If I wanted to listen to people point out all my faults and shortcomings, I'd call my parents. Ahh, but I digress...anyway, cruel fate threw me into a conversation between two girls talking about their "dream guy". Yeah, that dude was nothing like me. I'm not even sure he exists. Do you know how emasculating it is to listen to girls talk about how you fail...WHILE you're standing there??? Well, I do. So, now I'm stuck in "moodle/gay best friend" status against my will, and as I try to walk away from this clusterbunch of opposite-sex failure, I hear it:

I thought guys liked conversations like that!

I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I think I had something asinine stuck in my ear.

Guys like hearing about other guys? Guys like listening to 'Girl Talk' (not the musician, actual talk)? Guys like to be moodles? Who told ya'll this? Have shows like Friends and Will and Grace ruined a generation of young women? I'm starting to realize that a lot of women (not ALL women) think all guys are either perverted jerks or lame wusses, and there's no in-between. Ladies, not only do ya'll have no idea what guys are really like or what they're into -- you seem to be totally convinced that you have us figured out. Not to worry. Watts is here to set ya straight!

Guys are simple creatures. And with all simple creatures, there are a few traits that all of us share. If you can master those, the rest is just details:

Food:

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just an old wives tale? Nah, it's totally true. Men eat. They like to eat. It's fun, and we're good at it. And if there's something you're trying to get through to your man, it's a lot easier to do when he's got a full stomach. Got a big guy? Give him steak! Vegan? Hook him up with some curds and soy! Workout nut? Grilled chicken and some muscle milk! My point is, the thought that feeding a man is "degrading and old fashioned" is a bunch of crap.

Sleep

Everybody gets the "itis". It hits men especially hard. So, let us sleep. Let's not stay up to talk about how much you hate the girl at your office. Let's not stay up to watch "Real Housewives of wherever-the-crap-they-are-now." Let's not get up early to do...whatever ya'll do early in the morning. Sleep is good.

Easy Access Entertainment

I'm willing to go out on a limb and say 75-80% are crazy about some sport. Football, mostly. But there's Baseball, Basketball, Hockey, Soccer...the list goes on. For those that don't really care about sports, there's cartoons. This includes regular cartoons, anime and comics. Dragonball Z, Desert Punk, Full Metal Alchemist...there's plenty of them. And finally...video games. No, darling...he didn't buy a PS3 so ya'll could watch a Nicholas Sparks movie on Blu-Ray. He bought it because he can't stop playing 'God of War' or 'NBA Live'. The Blu-Ray was just a bonus. Bet money that the guy you like is into at least ONE of the three things I just mentioned, if not two or three of them. There's nothing wrong with this, you should just be aware.


Ladies...THAT'S IT! That's all it takes to understand men. This is all we do. All day, every day. It's what we talk about. It's what we do when we're bored. It's what we daydream about when you won't stop talking we're in a boring meeting at work. As long as you help us in achieving our three main goals, there's not a lot we WON'T do for you.


But since I'm such a nice guy (and I want to inject a little humor into this rant) here are some bonus "guyisims":

Knee High Boots

They're great. I cannot scientifically describe what they do to your legs or feet or butt or whatever, but I'm thankful for it nonetheless. If you don't have a pair, pick a pair up.

Explosions

We like it when things blow up. I've seen some crappy movies that I was willing to forgive because of the amount of things that exploded. Fire is...it's just awesome.

Collecting Something Dumb

Baseball cards. Beer bottle caps. Hats. For some reason, we're very drawn to having a lot of the same thing.

Boobs

They come in many different shapes and sizes. And they're awesome. Every guy has his preference, but we all agree...all of them are special in their own way.



side note: Carolina Girls...best in the world!!!!

Booty

See the above.

School Girl Outfits

I'm not a fan of the Catholic Church at all, but this time, they got it right. Do you realize that people write SONGS about the school girl outfit??? It's amazing on so many levels. And girls playing dress-up leads me to my next point...

Slave Leia

She's hot, she can fight, and she'll do whatever you want. What's not to like?


WARNING!!! There is a right and a wrong way to do Slave Leia.

GOOD Slave Leia

BAD Slave Leia

Any questions, ladies? We covered the bases, right? Right! So, the next time you think you know guys, stop asking yourself...What's he thinking about? What are his feelings? Instead, ask yourself: Has he eaten? Is he sleepy? Should I wear some knee-high boots?

Those, my darlings...are the RIGHT questions. Class dismissed!




www.twitter.com/GuiltyWatts