Call it self-loathing, call it daring, call it risky...call it me having a death wish. It's all the same to me. No matter what happens, or what I do to stop it, I end up making the same mistake once or twice a week. I get that craving, and I can't be stopped. Once I'm done, I feel shamed and alone. Sometimes, I wake up and I don't know where I am. I don't know what to do. I need help. I need to break the cycle...
CHIPOTLE! WHY DO YOU HURT SO GOOD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.
Do you feel smart NOW, you d-bag?
Remember those commercials for 'LifeLock', the online security company? They have this goofy looking CEO advertising his social security number, saying that his company was so successful, he wasn't at all worried about identity theft. So he put the SSN on billboards, commercials and everything else he could find. Nice marketing strategy. Except that his identity was stolen about 13 times.
Yeah, great life decision, buddy.
According to a recent police report, Todd Davis' identity has been stolen "at least 13 times", and was used to buy gift baskets and cars, open at least 3 credit cards, and run up a $2000 AT&T bill (that iPhone data plan aint no joke.) Look, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be sure of his product. But dude, NOBODY's that sure. Yeah, I trust my bank and my job and a lot of other people I have to do business with every day. But I'm not betting my life on it. And now that you did, only an idiot would buy something from you. Let's see...should I purchase identity theft protection from a guy who got his identity stolen 13 times? Well, that depends. Would you buy a home security system from a guy who's house gets broken into a lot? Would you let someone with a bad haircut cut your hair? Would you buy gloves from a guy with no hands??? See, this is common sense!
Mr. Davis, consider a new line of work. One that doesn't require you to be responsible for others! And when you do, pray they don't do a credit check, because yours is probably JACKED UP!!!
Don't feel bad, 70% of Americas is too.
That's so cold-blooded...it's FROSTY!!!
I've had my share of difficulty at the drive-thru. But rarely do I feel it's necessary to react with violence. After all, it's just a sandwich. Well, Melanese Asia Reid (yes, that's her real name...wow, right?) felt differently. She was furious with the dummy at the drive-thru that forgot her mayonnaise packets, and decided to cuss him out. When he closed the window on her, she did the only logical thing. She parked her car, then she and friend, Katrina Mari-Alyce Bryant, walked into the Wendys and cussed the man out again. When she still didn't get the reaction she wanted, she took a swing at him, and missed. That was the last straw. How DARE he try to avoid getting punched in the face. The only reasonable thing she could do was...pull out a pink stun gun, hop over the counter, and chase the man through the back of the Wendys.
WOOOOOW.
Here's the fun part: she didn't catch him! Do you know how confined those spaces are in fast food joints? How did he bob and weave away from her within 4 feet of space? Either he's a star running back in the making, or she needs to lay off the Wendys food. In any case, Melanese and her friend were arrested, because unbeknown to them, chasing someone with a weapon is illegal in this country. Who knew? This is like something out of "When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong". Who gets that emotional over fast food? Yeah, I like a Baconator and a Frosty every now and then...I wouldn't KILL for it.
I mean, I do understand the frustration. Yes, I've had to deal with idiot teenagers getting my order wrong. Yes, I've had to deal with dummies who try to tell me what I ordered, like I'M the one that forgot. Yes, I've had the guy who tells me my order was $6.50, and then I hand him a $20 bill, and he looks at me like I just asked him to do quantum physics. Yes, I've asked for extra ketchup and had the guy at the window look at me like the two extra ketchup packets he gives me are coming out of his personal paycheck. I sympathize. But, that being said....a stun gun?
Also, why was the stun gun pink? They're making ladies weaponry now? Do you get a taser if you spend $75 at Victorias Secret? I guess I really DON'T understand females...
Aw, FAIL naw!
Since today is a slightly slow news day, here's a pic someone sent me from PoorlyDressed.com:
Wow. That's just awful. Now, I have a rule on Something Clever that I don't make fun of people that can't help the situation they're in. Disabled, handicapped, accident victims are all hands-off. But this fool...THIS fool knew exactly what was going on. He made a choice to wear that shirt AND to have his picture taken. So now, I need to see how many things I can say about it before my fingers cramp. Here we go:
Nothing says "I Love Jesus" like using his name along with sexual slang like "Get in my pants."
If it's your pants that you're worried about, why is the writing on your shirt?
Are you really worried about girls wanting to get in your pants? From the looks of this picture, I don't really see you having that problem on the regular. You look like 'Christian' Moby.
Wait...wasn't Jesus celibate?
There are devout Christian woman looking at this picture right now that are considering becoming Atheist.
Or Agnostic. Because if there is an intelligent Creator, why would he let THIS happen?!?!
If this guy is your only shot at getting some action tonight, WWJD is gonna start standing for "Who Wants Jack Daniels?!"
This is petty, but shouldn't "jesus" be capitalized? I'm just saying...
I love the picture of grandma in the background. It's very obvious you still live with her. Did she take the picture? Shoot, did she MAKE the sweater?
Who are we kidding, you've got spare time. YOU made the sweater.
Whew! Done! Hope you had as much fun as I did!
Anyway, we are done for the day! Remember to check back every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for updates. And if you can, follow me on Twitter @GuiltyWatts.
See you Friday!
I'm gonna go finish that burrito.
I'm gonna go finish that burrito.
Watts
I Love Jesus!!!!! Stay outta my pants!
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