I don't have a good lead in, so here's a picture of a man-eating chicken.
And here's a picture of a man, eating chicken.
Having fun with punctuation.
WAKE UP THE MASSES! This is Something Clever.
So, the news isn't doing it for me today. Everyone is talking about the same stuff, and it's irritating. Oil spill. World Cup. I really would like to talk about E3 and comic movie announcements, but I'm trying to not make the blog one sided. (If I had the time, I'd let someone else do the entertainment and sports, and I'd just do news. But alas, I actually NEED my day job.)
So today, you get to hear me rant. About what, that is? Something that everyone uses. Something that I love AND hate. Something that I can't live without, and it's kinda sad. Something that's SO annoying, but is probably going to be a part of my life for a long time. What am I talking about? My ex-girlfriend? Weed?
That was a joke. Seriously...
I'm talking about Facebook.
Facebook! It started as an online tool for college students. Now, its an ad revenue generator pretending to be a social popularity contest. Remember when Facebook was legitimate? Remember when Facebook was for college students only, and MySpace was for any attention whore with a camera? My, how things change. Nowadays, Facebook is a huge anomaly for me because all of things I hate about it are the things I use all the time. OK, well, not ALL the things. But seriously, Facebook needs to make some changes. And I would LOVE to help out.
#1 No more long nicknames in the middle name.
OK, it was clever for a while. But now its gone too far. Mike "tooflyswagga" Smith. Shawnna "thequeenbee" Jones. No one is calling you that in real life! Half of the people doing it are aged 17 and under! You ain't old enough to know what swagger is, and you SURE ain't old enough to be a queen of anything! On top of that, they're changing their names like every week. Either you're an idiot, or you have some type of ghetto multiple personality disorder, and in that case, you shouldn't be using a computer at all. Ya'll need to stop.
#2 Get the status messages in check
I have no problem with frequent status updates. I've done it myself. Hey, if they're funny or interesting, I have no issue with it at all. But people are abusing the status updates. First things first, stop putting "LOL" after everything. Nothing is that funny. Do you have any idea how insane this country would be if people were really laughing out loud at all the things they say they are? I read 20 statues a day that say something like "Finally went and bought milk! LOL!" "Phone died. I need your numbers! lol" "Whats for lunch? lol" YO, YOUR LIFE IS NOT THAT FUNNY! Why are you laughing about buying milk? Are you a sociopath? That's really creepy. Second, stop with the depressing status updates unless you actually have stuff going on in your life. I cant stand people posting that "Everything in life is worthless and pointless" then I call them to see what's going on and I find out their iPod died. There should be a law that says you are immediately allowed to slap such a person.
#3 It is not necessary to like EVERYthing
It is impossible to like everything. I know you signed on, saw that your friend became a fan of "Flour Tortillas" and you thought to yourself "I LIKE Flour Tortillas" and you immediately had to click "Like". Come on! It is not that serious! This also goes for people who like their own status. I know you like it. You wrote it. You've got some serious issues if your self esteem is based on liking your own status updates. And while we're talking about "Liking":
#4 Stop inventing crazy Facebook groups to like!
How many insane groups can there be out here??? Who has time to create this stuff? I went and looked some up, and here's some groups you may or may not be aware of. If you look really hard on Facebook, you can become a fan of:
Slapping people
Kneeing people in the face
Boobs
Yoga Pants
Saying "dude" before saying something moderately important
Losing white people in the snow
Being the only black guy at a party
Music playing during epic moments of your life
Laughing when someone falls
The cool side of the pillow
Women bringing you sandwiches
Having a job, but still being broke
The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good
White people dancing
Yelling at inanimate objects
Using 'the force' to open automatic doors
Kool-Aid
Chipotle
Chicken
Uno
Saying "I'm almost there" when I haven't actually left yet
Now, all of these things may be true, but clicking "LIKE" on everything is becoming an addiction. Step away from the mouse. It's the right thing to do.
Well, the verdict is...Facebook is evil. A necessary evil. So we have to live with it. But as long as we do, keep it under control, folks. And remember, the most important thing Facebook can do is carry links to my page.
Side note: If someone happens to create a "Something Clever" page on Facebook, forget everything I said about not liking things. Seriously. Ya'll need to LIKE the HECK outta my page!
I WIN!
Alex "alwayswritingnonsense"Watts
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