...
OK, not YOUR baby. That would be horrible. And I do not, under any circumstances, condone child abuse. But don't you just want to punch a stranger's baby?
...
Well, no...that's still child abuse, and it'd be kinda weird and random. But don't you just wanna punch THIS baby?
You know...because he's angry...and he's kind of making an ugly face...and he's white...
OK, how far did I push THAT joke before I offended everyone?
WAKE UP THE MASSES! This is Something Clever. EMBRACE THE HATE!
In his defense, have you SEEN Cleveland?
Really LeBron? REALLY? We needed all THIS? An hour long special for you to announce you were going to Miami? Was that necessary?
In case you live in a cave (in which case, I have no idea how you found this blog) LeBron James announced yesterday that he was leaving the Cleveland Cavilers to join the Miami Heat. He did this via an hour long special on ESPN. How in the WORLD are you that important?! If you know where your going, just GO. Don't try to hijack the sports nation.
First of all, we knew you were leaving Cleveland. It's Cleveland. It's cold, dirty loser-town. Think abou the sports teams. The Indians. The Browns. The Cavaliers. Do any of those names inspire thoughts of winning or glory? No? Me neither! They inspire thoughts of ugly uniforms, broken dreams and a general sense of fail. Let me see...Miami or Cleveland? That's like saying, "French Fries or Prison Rape"? If you have to deliberate on that, there's something wrong with you!
And second, why would you hold an hour long tv special and then make the announcement in the first 10 minutes. That's like putting a cut-scene in the first half hour of The Sixth Sense that just says "Hey ya'll, Bruce Willis is dead!" That's like starting out every scary movie in history with a caption that says, "The black dude is gonna die." If you want to build anticipation, do it right! Ride it out! The idiots and fanatics will watch for a whole hour. The people who think the whole thing is narcissistic, vain, stupid and a complete waste of time aren't watching anyway. They're just gonna check Twitter later (like I did). Bottom line, have fun in Miami. And shut up. You're gonna make $100 million dollars in endorsements alone. I don't give a crap about how hard your "decision" was. Go cry to someone that isn't working a 9 to 5. You'd have to PAY me to feel sorry for you. And you could. Which makes me even madder!
Show of hands...who feels safer now?
Really Lindsay? REALLY? You have the nerve to be upset after being sentenced to 90 days in jail??? For the things you've done, I'd be doing 10 years in prison! And not white collar, happy prison. I'd be in "this is your cellmate, Bubba" prison! And you're complaining? Where's the justice?
So Lindsay Lohan's lawyer says: "We believe that the penalty is far harsher than what others would have received under similar circumstances. The reality is that Ms. Lohan, like most defendants, had to balance work commitments with court requirements. To be punished so severely for doing so, particularly in light of the fact that she substantially complied with each of her probationary conditions, is harsh and unfair."
Okay, first of all, you don't balance work, and court appearances. If you have to go to court, you go to friggin court. It's a LAW. That's like saying "I have such a hard time raising a child and breathing on a regular basis. It's so hard to do both." Are you an idiot??? Court isn't something you balance. Court is something you go to, because if you don't, you go to jail! Do not pass go! Do not collect 200 heroin needles! Jail!
Second, how's the penalty far worse??? You've been on probation since 2007 because you got caught driving while using cocaine. So, you're saying that you shouldn't go to jail for that? That's no big deal huh? It's coke! Driving while on coke is dangerous! It's awesome...but...it's very, very dangerous! So you got away with probation, and you proceed to spend 3 years dodging court appearances, skipping rehab, and disregarding court orders. You had to attend DUI classes. You skipped 7. There were only 10. That's a fail, sweetie.
And you don't think you should go to jail? I beg to differ. Between the cocaine use, the alcohol, banging ugly lesbians, not making a movie worth seeing in 6 years, hanging out with Paris Hilton and going from the hottest chick ever to a cracky, hobo-looking, complete dumpster fire...jail might do you some good.
I'm serious, have you seen Lohan lately? I got physically ill looking up information for this blog.
People, I am finished. Hope you enjoyed. Thanks for getting Something Clever to 1,000 hits in less than 3 months of existence. Hit me up on Facebook and follow me on Twitter, @GuiltyWatts. Have a great weekend, and always remember:
There's nothing worse than obsolete underwear.
Marinate on that.
Watts
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