Kind a cleaver

America...Based On A True Story

There's an old western called "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence". I watched it when I was a kid. It's about this unassuming nobody that accidentally gets credited for shooting a notorious outlaw named Liberty Valence. He goes along with the lie his whole life, but as an old man, he confesses to a newspaper reporter that he, in fact, did not shoot the outlaw. The reporter, however, rips up the confession and refuses to print it. He says: "When the legends become facts...you print the legends."

Welcome to America.

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! We're still here!...and this is Something Clever!

I'm fascinated by little facts about America. More specifically, I love anything that proves that this country isn't as sovereign and wonderful as people think. I've said some things on this blog that have been deemed anti-American before. I'm not anti-American, I just have a very realistic view of what America is...and isn't. Follow me on this, all right?

Robert Wuhl is a really funny and smart comedian who did an HBO special called "Assume the Position". If you can find it, it's really informative and REALLY funny. Basically, he spends a half hour talking to a college class about what they think they know about the U.S. and what the true story is. A lot of it I had already heard of, but I liked the way it was presented. The basic premise is that the story of America is more like "based on a true story". So, let's talk about this premise for a while. What's something that's inherently American, that we, the people, don't give a second thought to? Hmm...

Yankee Doodle!

Everyone learned this song at some point in school. If I just write out the first line, you'll probably start singing it to yourself:

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it "Macaroni"

Oh, don't trip! I can keep going!

Yankee Doodle pick it up
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy

A simple, patriotic song for the kids right? RIGHT? Meh...I don't think so. Here's the real story: First things first, Yankee Doodle Dandy is NOT an American song. It's British. The exact origin is unknown, but it was probably thought up by British soldiers. Yankee, as a lot of you know, is a derogatory term for Americans that the British came up with. So, that part is easy. Doodle is another British term that basically means simpleton or dummy. And Dandy? Well, Dandy means...well...

Yeah...that's a Dandy.

Stay with me, people; I'm making a point. So, now we know what a Yankee Doodle Dandy is. Have you ever wondered why that song was talking about "macaroni"? Let me shed some light: "A macaroni in mid-18th century England was a fashionable fellow who dressed and spoke in an outlandish and effeminate manner." Translation: A homo. I'm not judging -- I'm just saying, this is what it is. Moving on. Let's put two and two together. Yankee Doodle is a dumb American who came into town on a horse with a feather in his hat, attempting to act like a fruit.

I don't think that's the image that the founding fathers were going for. I know all that sounds hard to believe. So, I did some digging around. And here are the REAL lyrics to the song we know and love:

Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his cap
And called it "Macaroni"

(chorus)
Yankee Doodle-doodle-doo,
Yankee Doodle dandy,
All the lassies are so smart
And sweet as sugar candy.

Father and I went down to camp,
Along with Captain Gooding,
And there we saw the men and boys
As thick as hasty pudding

(chorus)
Yankee Doodle pick it up
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy

That sounds a lot less like a patriot and a lot more like...well...

Yeah...that.

Now you might be asking yourself: "Why would we as a country adopt a song that's making fun of us?" Simple. We didn't know! Heck, Americans didn't know anything about macaroni, effeminate Brits, yankee doodle or any of that other stuff. But dang it, we know a good tune when we hear it! We liked it, we started singing it and here we are today, teaching our kids to sing about gay historical figures. Doesn't really bother me, though. Have you ever been to a high school football game?

THIS is the dude that wrote We Will Rock You

See? Everyone likes gay ballads!

So, let's see here...what ELSE can I teach you about? How about the Midnight Ride of Paul Revere? Awesome story. Awesome poem from school. Awesome song by the Beastie Boys...but I digress. Paul Revere, as the story is told, rode through the state of Massachusetts to warn the colonists: THE BRITISH ARE COMING! THE BRITISH ARE COMING!

Except he didn't do that.

Do you know who Israel Bissell is? Of course you don't, most people don't. Well, Israel was a post rider in Massachusetts, along with Samuel Prescott, Paul Revere and several others. According to historical record, HE was the first one that got the message and rode to warn the people of the British invasion. He rode from Watertown, MS to Philadelphia, PA to warn people. 345 miles! His first horse actually died of exhaustion! That's a long time in a CAR! Can you imagine on a horse?!?!

Now to be fair, Paul Revere also rode...from Boston, MA to Lexington, MA. Thats' about...19 miles. For my DMV people, that's like riding from the Leesburg Outlet Mall to Reston Town Center. That ain't exactly cross country.

So, why, you may ask, does Paul Revere get all the credit? Well, during the Civil War, in an attempt to tell a story of patriotism, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow decided to write a poem about the "Midnight Ride". And for whatever reason, he used Paul Revere's name instead of Israel Bissell. (To be fair, I'm not sure how I would rhyme "Bissell" either.) Anyway, the poem was a huge success and everybody just went along with the assumption that Paul Revere was the only rider that night. Also, for the record, Revere never shouted THE BRITISH ARE COMING! Somebody made that up.

So, why does Paul Revere get all the credit? Simple. He had a better publicist.

Like I said...when the legends become facts...print the legends.

Class dismissed!

Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts

What Happens At The Fair...Stays In Your Digestive Tract For Years To Come

Broadcasting LIVE from...a mild state of constant irritation...

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

Have you ever been to a State Fair? For some people, it's an important yearly event. For others, it doesn't matter much. In all the time I've lived in Virginia, I have never been to one state fair. However, when I lived in Columbia, SC, I was 20 minutes from the Fairgrounds, and I went every year. Also, there's a whole less to do in SC PERIOD, so maybe that's why.

Ahh, the State Fair. Dirty sorroundings. Odd smells. Stunningly unattractive people. Rides that wouldn't be deemed safe in a third-world country. And the food. Oh, the things you can eat at the fair! State Fairs are like nutritional 'Red Light' districts. You go there, and you eat things you would NEVER normally put in your mouth, made in ways you would NEVER normally prepare food, served by people you would NEVER normally allow to serve you. Isn't that right?

Seriously, think about it. Don't even think about the food, just think about the guy making it. Isn't he always missing something? You know what I mean. The guy that makes the cotton candy and the funnell cakes always has ONE of something. If you're lucky, it's something not easily noticable, like one ear. But usually, you're not so lucky. You get the dude with one eye. One hand. One arm. One leg. It's even worse when you get a guy that lost something that you only have one of. Like if he's missing a nose. Not cool. Apparently, when your warped, amputated appearance and generally gruff demeanor ruin your dreams of becoming a Wal-Mart greeter, you go to work at the State Fair. Seriously, you don't see crap like that at Six Flags.

But I digress.

I bring this up because my big sister was kind enough to provide me with some pics from the South Carolina State Fair. Specifically, pics of the...delicacies...that can be found there. If a pictures worth a thousand words, I'm about to write a greasy, sugary, naueasiating novel. And here...we...GO!

First things first, I always thought the "Luther" was an urban legend. For those that are uninitiated, the "Luther" is a double-cheeseburger, with bacon, cooked in fat and lard and served on...not a bun...but two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

I just had a light stroke typing that.

I'll be the first to tell you that I love food, but eww! This is sickening! The thought of all those greasy flavors mixing in your mouth and slowly, SLOWLY working its way down your throat...ugh. Can you imagine how that would even look? You can't?

Let me help:

I love the fact that they felt the need to fry the doughnut as well. Do you want to know why America is fat? It's because we're actually seeking ways to GET fat. This isn't something that always existed! Someone had to get this idea moving! Someone had to sell it! We actually did this on purpose. Man, they can't cure diabetes, but they sure can find a thousand ways to cause it! And people are EATING this crap! Everytime someone takes a bite, they're saying to themselves, "Screw my 50's!".Ugh...just icky.

What else we got?

I truely hope that Obamacare makes some sanctions on what you can and cannot put on a stick for human consumption. How do you come up with an idea like this, let alone get someone to buy into it?! What was THAT meeting like?!

Boss: What do you have for me, Johnson?
Johnson: OK, so everyone likes pork chops and turkey, right? But who wants to spend their entire dinner using their fork to poke the meat, then have to bring it all the way up to their mouths?
Boss: I like where you're going with this.
Johnson: My solution? Sticks! Pork on a stick! Turkey on a stick! This way, all the eater has to do his hold their arm up! No more tenuous use of silverware!
Boss:...how soon can we put this product out there?
Johnson: Sir...I've already got the sticks...
Boss: BRILLIANT!!!

OK, I don't KNOW if that's what happened, but that's how it went down in my head...

There are a lot of things wrong with this picture, lets work from top to bottom:

Deep frying is evil. It's unnatural. One time, at Disney World, I decided to try a deep fried Snickers bar. By the third bite, I was in pain. My teeth hurt. I felt like my SOUL now had high cholesterol. Deep frying things that aren't meant to be fried is a dangerous proposal.

As for this picture, this isn't the first time I've seen that banner at the top. Me and my friends once decided to deep fry some double-stuffed Oreos. No one was able to eat more than two. We were all sick. It's like I could feel my insides struggle to breakdown the clusterbunch of cream, batter, cookie and despair that I had just swallowed. Not a good look.

As for the second sign...I'm reserving insults because I can't even tell how this is scientifically possible. Butter? Are we eating BUTTER now? There are so many questions! Is this a stick of butter? Is it margerine? How does the butter survive the frying process? How is this accomplished? Do you batter the butter? Do you just get a hunk of butter out of a tub, or does it have to be a butter stick? Can you use a stick, like you do with the pork chops? Is it a stick of a stick of butter? In batter? Then fried? Do you eat the stick? Do you spread it on something else? How does deep fried batter spread? I need to know the physics! What kind of perversion of science allows a stick of butter that can't survive room temperture to survive a vat of boiling grease?!?! RIDDLE ME THAT!!!

Whew! I got fired up there! I'm tired. I need a snack.

Something not on a stick, not fried and served by someone with all of their appendages, please.

See you tomorrow.

twitter.com/GuiltyWatts

I'm not THAT lazy...

WAKE UP THE MA...is anyone still here???

Clever Nation...I owe you a sincere apology. Something Clever has not been on point these past two weeks. I've been told a thousand times that if I want SC to grow, I need to be regular, and I have been anything but. In my defense, I did have the flu, which I'm still recovering from . But the main culprit here is: technology.

Last weekend, I realized that my computer had a Trojan Horse virus. If you've never had one, they're pesky, annoying and dangerous. I was able to get rid of mine, but I lost most of my data, including all the backups and templates for the blog. Two days later, SOMEONE WHO WILL REMAIN NAMELESS broke my laptop power source, so I can't even turn the dang thing on. Yes, I do have a computer at work, but it's hard to use that for the blog. Anyway, I'm hoping to fix all of that stuff by this weekend, and be back on schedule with you guys Monday morning.

SIDE NOTE: Torrents are not a good idea. You have no idea what you're getting yourself into. No matter how bad you need to download that old SlumVillage album, SAY NO TO TORRENTS!

That being said, due to the setbacks, The Something Clever Show on BlogTalk Radio is being delayed, and will not premier on October 29. We're working to get a new schedule out soon, and as soon as I have another date, I'll let you know. As always, thank you very much to my few, but dedicated readers, and I'll see you soon.

Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts

HEADSHOT!!!

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!!

Hello again folks! Question of the day: What do you think is worse getting locked up for (alleged) domestic violence; or accidentally driving your car off a cliff and surviving only to hear everyone call you crazy? Maybe we should ask Junior Seau; he did both of these things in one heck of a weekend.

It’s your favorite UN-official sports writer. WaTTs has a hangover from taking too much Nyquil so this is Something-Might Be-Clever.

GOTTA STAY A “HEAD” of the GAME

In this age of technology and modern medicine, the biggest story in sports is finally one that makes sense. Usually when WaTTs and I go off on rants about our favorite sports, it’s about snubs of awards, who got fined/suspended for some off the field mishap, or even just off-season boredom. This particular topic can be a real headache, no pun intended. I’m talking about concussions or more specifically, the NFL’s Defenseless Receiver rule.

The defenseless receiver rule in a nutshell is when a defender blasts an offensive skill player (RB, WR, or TE) when he is concentrating on a catch in the midst of the action. Primarily hits to the head leading with the helmet, shoulder, or forearm are what are being penalized. Granted most “normal” people have no sympathy for millionaire athletes. Despite their huge salaries, they attract hundreds of millions of viewers who pay a butt load of money to watch them destroy their bodies in relatively short period of time. Not to mention the tons of money given to the organizations for sponsorships that gets pocketed by the owners. But anyway, this week $100,000.00 was shelled out in fines for 3 players who were just doing their job the way they have always been taught to.

The past few months, the NFL has been talking a lot of smack about protecting their ~~investments~~ players from concussions. The recent crackdown has led to common discussion of suspending and fining of defensive players who violate this new defenseless receiver rule. Which is 100% retarded. This is why. ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown used to have a segment called Jacked Up where a highlight reel of defenseless receiver hits were shown for nothing less than viewer amusement. I am in no way advocating knocking some guy’s lights out for a quick laugh and a semi-dramatic “OOOOOOOHHH”. No, what I am talking about is a sport losing its roots and identity due to some opinions.

WaTTs & I personally played organized football on a few different levels. Not pro, but high school, college and semi pro AKA the minor leagues. I know what it’s like to be running full speed enjoying the game of football to only have a flash of light occur and then notice a group of dudes staring down at you asking you what day of the week it is and if you remember your name. Only in the game of football, anywhere else that would sound like a weekend in Vegas… Pause! Fortunately enough, I not only have been knocked into to next week with a level 2 concussion by someone twice my size that I never saw coming; I have also been the one causing the injuries since I was a defensive player. That is my point: everyone who suits it up knows and accepts that this can happen. NFL players now are faster and more massive than in any point in history. The force of their tackles is measured with the statistics they use for car crashes!. But, they have been trained to do this and prepare against this their entire lives.

Chris Carter, AKA CC, is a well known ESPN analyst, former NFL wide out, should be Hall of Famer, and voted “Best Hands of All Time” by NFL network. To put it plainly he has seen and felt his fair share of defenseless receiver hits. He says NFL players know what they are getting into. It is, and always has been, part of the game. When you go across the middle you expect to hit and hit hard. That is why many times during a game, you see WRs jeered for being afraid to go across the middle. Those that do are called warriors and tough guys. Sports are called contact sports because of what… duh...contact! If you take the superhuman element out of the game those who love it will no longer believe in it. Sadly it’s not just in football. Hockey has been suspending players for board checks that seem like normal plays but when one guy gets injured and misses games, the dude who laid him out gets fined or suspended. Baseball has been fining and suspending player who runs over the catcher who is blocking the home plate. To quote Major League 2 “you’re on the tracks and the train is coming through”. Translated: if you don’t wanna get hurt, get the freak outta the way! What amazes me most is the plays that qualify under the defenseless player rule are not called if:

It’s not an offensive player
The player KO’d is a nobody
The guy gets right back up and is fine.

Offensive players and special teamers KO, cut block, and eye gouge defensive players in every game. Hines Ward, a Pro Bowl WR, is notorious for bone crunching, out of nowhere blocks on defenders who never see him coming. Keith Rivers, a Linebacker for the Cincinnati Bengals knows this. Hines Ward broke his jaw a couple years ago with a “clean block”. Ed Reed, future Hall of Fame safety from the Baltimore Ravens, was literally knocked unconscious by Ward and left the game with a concussion a few seasons ago.

Where’s the concern? Sunday October 17^th Earl Bennett from the Chicago Bears unloaded on the Seattle Seahawks punter. THE PUNTER!! No penalty. You know what? If that's not a penalty, than there shouldn’t be a penalty, for anyone. Only in extreme cases where guys who have 10 or 20 yard head starts lunge themselves and use their helmet as missiles. This does not happen that often anymore, definitely in the mid 90s, but not in the pas 5 to 10 seasons. But if anyone should be to blame for the receivers getting knocked sillier than a Jack black movie… it’s the QBs. In experience QBs and ill-advised throws are the reason most of guys are taking the punishment. Defenses are more complex and harder to read thanks to the progression of blitzes and coverage. The QB will make a throw to a spot not knowing that the DB is there and what happens? Well check out Carson Palmer getting one to Jordan Shipley a few weeks ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfoPYpC4pyY&feature=related

Or Chad Johnson AKA Ochocinco a couple seasons ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJ_XXFtI7qU

Or Kevin Kolb’s bad throw that got Desean Jackson an early ride home on Sunday

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZolQutHVhE&feature=related

In all of these case the there are 2 common denominators: The obvious point is that the receiver lies nearly lifeless on the ground. The other is that the QB throws a pass right where the DB is, so the WR partly is KO’d by his own momentum. The blows to the head are incidental, most of the time. On these off the mark passes, receivers jump up or crouch down and all the motion happens so fast, that for the DB to just make contact, he either hits the guy in head or knocks him backwards so the head impacting the ground causes a concussion. How many times do you see Peyton, Brady, or Brees allowing a bad throw to get one of their WRs destroyed…. Not often if ever. Either way, if the NFL wants to cut down on concussions, they can. BY CHANGING HELMETS! Science has come so far that this could even be a moot point if they were willing to spend the time and resources to protect all their players, not just the ones they pay the most.

Man!! My blood pressures up! Gotta roll out. But feel to disagree or agree follow me and hit me up on Twitter: @mightyachilles1.

Take it easy y’all,

Film Got Game

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

The "sports movie" genre is special to me. I'm a movie lover and a sports fan, so I get the best of both worlds. But really, they're special in general. Think about it: it's an action movie. A drama. A comedy. A tragedy. A suspense flick. A romance. It's EVERYTHING. I'm willing to bet that if you poll a bunch of people from different races and backgrounds, everyone, no matter what they're into, would have a favorite sports movie. So...yeah, that's pretty much what I did.

It was really fun because a lot of you guys were bringing up movies I forgot I'd even seen. So let's talk about what we like and don't like in our athlete flicks:

Remember The Titans

Everyone seems to universally agree that this movie is awesome. A true story, a lot of action, drama and Denzel Washington. Now, being an African-American male, I was raised in a strict "Denzel is in it, we're watching it" household. And I think a lot of people may have been swayed by the fact that the real story of that school happened in this area. Racism is never a fun topic, but I think they pulled it off as well as they could.

Clever Score (out of 5): 4.5 stars

We Are Marshall

Once again, a true story. This movie discusses arguably the most tragic event in college sports history. The acting was great and I felt like they we're as classy as they could be considering the subject matter. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that they had to take some liberties to give it a happy ending. I understand it's Hollywood, but anyone that knows the story of the Marshall Thundering Herd knows that it was sad for DECADES after the plane crash. I'll have to check the stats, but I know they didn't have a winning season until 14 years after the tragedy in 1970. Jack Lengyel, the coach portrayed by Matthew McConahey was fired after two seasons. So yeah, the ending was unrealistic. But the point was to make people feel good, so I guess it's OK.

Clever Score: 3 Stars

A League of Their Own

People have forgotten about this movie, and it's a shame. I watched this a few weeks ago because it happened to come on TV, and it's a good one. This is another one that's based on actual events, but it does advertise itself as "loosely based on a true story." Geena Davis had a great performance, and it reminded me of a time when Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna were relevant (both are great in the movie, by the way). It's also worth mentioning that Tom Hanks' famous line "There's no crying in baseball!" is listed as one of AFI's Top 50 movie lines of all time.

Clever Score: 3 Stars

The Waterboy

"Fooseball is the DEBIL!" How can you not love this movie? A horrible college in the deep south, a meek Linebacker with a killer instinct, the Fonz and Farmer Fran. Hilarious from beginning to end! It's obvious to me that Adam Sandler wanted to be a athlete when he was a kid. He literally CAN'T stop doing sports movies. But most people I spoke to say this one stands out above all the rest.

I cannot emphasize enough the spectacle that is Farmer Fran in this movie. Seriously! Watch it again, and just look at him!

YOU CAN DO IT!

Clever Score: 3.5 Stars

Any Given Sunday

Most people have mixed feelings on this one. The good thing about this movie is that it's incredibly accurate as far as it's portrayal of pro football players. The bad thing about this movie is that it's incredibly accurate as far as it's portrayal of pro football players.There are some messed up things in this movie, but none of them seem far-fetched when you think about what really happens in the league. Drugs. Back-stabbing. Health issues. Infidelity. Money issues. It happens. Not to mention people like Lawrence Taylor, Terrell Owens and Ricky Watters showing up in the movie. If that's not enough to get you in, this is the movie that launched the career of Jamie Foxx. He's pretty much playing Michael Vick.

Clever Score: 5 Stars

Friday Night Lights

The only football movie that might make you cry. A true story about a small Texas town driving by it's high school football team. Do not underestimate the importance of high school sports to a small southern town. I've been to Texas...football is a RELIGION. That being said, this movie was helped along by killer performances from Lucas Black, Derek Luke and Billy Bob Thornton. I'll also say this movie probably has the most realistic sports sequences (the scenes where they're actually PLAYING) of any film on this list. If you don't believe this movie is that good, look at Derek Luke's scene when his character realizes that he'll never play football again. You can't help but feel it.

Clever Score: 4 Stars

Honorable Mentions:

Major League

Did you know Wesley Snipes could be funny? No, you didn't because you never saw Major League! The first two movies in this series are comedy gold, and I'm still shocked at the amount of people who haven't seen these movies.

The Program

This movie has a soft spot in my heart, because a lot of it was filmed at my humble alma mater, the University of South Carolina (which recently toppled #1 Alabama in football. Yeah, we got it like that...but I digress...). A mostly accurate description of college football in America. James Caan as the Bear Bryant/Bobby Bowden head coach. Omar Epps as the freshman running back. Halle Berry being fine as a mutha. This movie has everything!

Fun Fact: Epps is also in Major League 2.

Unhonorable Mentions:

The Longest Yard

Dear Adam Sandler. You have proven over the years that you know how to make a sports movie. No one is arguiing that. Happy Gilmore and The Waterboy are classics. However, and I mean NO disrespect...5 foot 10 jews don't play Quarterback in the NFL. Other than that, this movie was great! Sincerely, Watts.

Rollerball

Even if this sport existed, this movie would suck.

The Legend of Bagger Vance

Hey colored man! Teach us how to play golf! No, thank you. I'll do no such thing...honkee.

Tin Cup

It's funny that this followed Bagger Vance. It it weren't for Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack, Hollywood would have you thinking that it was impossible to make a good golf movie. Kevin Costner in a romantic comedy about golf. Hail to the naw!

Summer Catch

Freddie Prinze is a minor league pitcher that mows lawns...it's wrong, it's wrong, IT'S WRONG!!!!!!

For The Kids:

All of these movies can be summed up into a sound byte:

The Mighty Ducks

quack...quack...Quack...QUACK!!!

The Sandlot

You play ball like a GIRL!!!

Cool Runnings

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme!

See what I mean?

For those of you who might actually wonder what my perosnal pick is, it's easy for me. Friday Night Lights. I love football, and this encompasses everything that makes the game great. I stongly suggest seeing it if you haven't. And I know I left a LOT of movies out that people brough to my attention.

The Blind Side
Blue Chips
Hoosiers
Miracle
Rudy
Caddyshack
Rookie of the Year
Gridiron Gang
Coach Carter
Invincible

If you want to make a case for any of these films, I welcome your comments. As always, I hope you've enjoyed these thoughts and opinions. See you tomorrow!

twitter.com/GuiltyWatts

Wack to the Future

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

Greetings Clever-Fam:

Two weeks ago, I did a blog about rebooted movies. With the mass influx of 80's remakes being shoved down our throats, I thought it would be nice to talk about some movies that need to be reimagined and some that shouldn't. I wanted to spend more time on it, so we didn't publish it then. We were going to publish it today, but again, I decided against it. Why? I'll tell you why!

The #1 movie I wanted to see again...hands down...without question...

Back to the Future

That movie probably helped define my childhood. Why WOULDN'T I want to bring back that time-traveling car? Unfortunately, BTTF is one of those movies that has to be done right. So many people love that movie, and die-hard fans will destory you if you taint their memories (i.e. George Lucas, M. Night Shymalan). It's a delicate situation, but it is possible.

Or so I thought . . .

It turns out Hollywood beat me to the punch, and several sources say that Back to the Future is on it's way to a reboot. And I'm already upset. For starters, it doesn't look like Robert Zemeckis, the original director, is going to be involved in the project. That bothers me a lot. I know that if you look at the movie today, it doesn't look that amazing, but keep in mind, the movie is 25 years old. There are a lot of effects and techniques that wouldn't exist today is it weren't for that movie and that director. In short: Robert Zemeckis is the director that Michael Bay wishes he was.

Second, and perhaps most importantly...rumor has it that the movie is being developed as a vehicle for none other than this bloggers mortal enemy:

JUSTIN BEIBER!!!

What in God's name would posess someone to do this? Justin Beiber is not an actor. And if you want him to be an actor, put him in a Disney movie about a polar bear and a penguin that become friends and sing songs about how cold it is.(I'm very aware that polar bears and penguins are from different poles. For the sake of the joke, suspend disbelief.) You don't take the flavor of the month who has no real acting experience and put him in a remake of a classic movie. The crowd he would draw probably wouldn't appreciate it anyway. I don't need a bunch of teeny-bopper whoo-girls crowding the theater on opening night.

Also, Beiber looks like he's 12 years old. There's no way I would believe that he's a senior in high school and has a girlfriend that's talking marriage. Not to mention that having a pre-teen in the movie is going to make Doc Brown look like a pedophile. Can we at least get someone that can looks the part?

And I'm not saying I have all the answers. I admit, I've sucked as some casting decisions before. I never believed that Heath Ledger would pull off a good Joker until I saw it. I'm a Robert Downey Jr. fan, and even I didn't think he could stay sober enough to do Iron Man. (I did, however, say that Eric Bana would be a clusterbunch of FAIL as The Hulk.) I admit, I'm hit-or-miss. But the sheer thought of having Beiber on a booster seat attempting to drive a Delorean makes me sick, and it's enough to make Michael J. Fox roll over in his grave.

What's that? Michael J. Fox is alive? You sure? Well then...good news!

My message to Hollywood is: You're not supposed to give people roles just because you can. This isn't something you should mess around with. I have no problem telling you that I will NOT see this movie if you cast Justin Beiber. You don't get to put a buzzworthy name in an iconic role just because it'll get a lot of press. Not all publicity is good publicity. If you don't believe me, ask O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson. I IMPLORE you to reconsider. Rumor or not, this is a horrible idea.

THAT BEING SAID:

If I were casting this remake, here's who I think should be in a new Back to the Future:

Mary McFly: Zac Efron

I can hear you calling for my death, but give me a minute...I'm gonna back up this opinion!

Michael J. Fox was 24 when he played the high-schooler McFly. Zac Efron is 23, and he's been playing a high-school kid for pretty much his whole career, so by now, he knows what he's doing. Besides that, the character doesn't have to be a tough guy; he needs to be a wise-cracking kid, who's just a little clueless and freaks out when someone calls him "chicken". I think Efron can pull that off.

Emmit "Doc" Brown: Sam Rockwell

Whether you've heard of him or not, the dude has range. Whoever plays Doc Brown needs to be neurotic, yet warm and intelligent...and smart. Sam Rockwell has pretty much made a living playing neurotic characters (Moon, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Iron Man 2). He wouldn't have the age factor that Christopher Lloyd had, but I think he's a decent fit for the role.

Jennifer Parker/McFly: Blake Lively

If you don't know who she is, please go click on my blog from last Friday (The Hottest Girls You've Never Heard Of), it's well worth the extra time. In the original Back to the Future, we don't see a lot of Marty's girlfriend. All she really has to do is look hot. And Blake Lively does that so....SO well. Now remember, if they get into Back to the Future 2, she'd have to step it up, because she has to play Marty's wife in the future. Put some makeup on her, CGI it, I don't care. She's my top pick.

Biff Tannen: Lucas Black

You may not know the name, but trust me, you know him. The QB from Friday Night Lights (in my opinion, top 3 sports movie, ever). The main character in Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift. He's the epitome of high school tough guy. Plus, it won't be hard to make him look old for the shots of "present day" when he works for Marty's dad.

That's all I'm gonna do for now. As always, comments are welcome, and I'm interested to see who you guys would pick for the movie. Unless you agree with the Justin Beiber casting. If so, you can kick rocks. That's all for today, thanks for reading, and I'll see you...in the future!!!!!!!

So corny. See you Monday.

...and for Christ's sake, bring back Huey Lewis!!!!!!

Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts

Back In MY Day...

WAKE UP THE MASSES!!! This is Something Clever.

My birthday is about 2 weeks away. Unfortunately, I will be entering my late 20's.

Don't worry: The dismal realization that all I've accomplished in over 2 decades of life is this blog is not lost on me.

Anyway, I was thinking about how much every thing has changed in the past years, and I decided to step back and take a look at how far we've come...or how far we've fallen, depending on how you look at it. Here's my short trip down memory lane:

I remember when cell phones were the size of cinderblocks, and they were used to call people.

I remember when MTV showed music videos instead of whores from New Jersey.

I remember when Apple was a fledgling, failing company, and the Macintosh couldn't do anything productive.

I remember when Joseph Gordon-Levitt was a goofy kid on Third Rock From The Sun. Now he's stealing secrets from you in your dreams.

I remember when dressing up like a woman was considered homoerotic. But according to Martin Lawrence and Tyler Perry, it's the only way for a black man to make it in Hollywood.

I remember when gangster rappers were ACTUAL gangsters.

Come to think of it, I remember rap music. Period. I don't know what's on the radio now.

I remember when Justin Timberlake was in a boy-band with a gay guy, an alcoholic, a giant and a nobody.

I remember when the Redskins, Bills and Giants were really, really good. And no one wanted to admit they were rooting for the Falcons, Bears or Patroits.

I remember when Saturday Night Live was funny, and being on that show meant that you'd be a movie star soon.

I remember when you had to have some sort of viable talent in order to be considered a celebrity.

I remember when nobody knew that Fight Club was a book.

I remember when the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were "accomplished."

I remember when the New York Yankees used under-the-table tactics and a grossly overpriced budget to buy championships...oh wait...they still do that.

I remember when Nintendo was cutting-edge technology. And blowing on the cartridge was the best way to get it to work.

I remember when ONE family in your neighborhood had a TV bigger than 20-inches. And big screen TV's weighed so much, that when you moved out of your house, you just left it there.

I remember when Auto-Tune made OK singers sound like great singers. Now it makes idiots who shouldn't be singing in the first place sound like effeminate robots.

I remember when people who didn't go to college were doomed to failure. Now, most of the people I know who didn't go to college make as much or more than me.

I remember when Facebook was only for college students.

I remember when Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg were rappers.

And finally...this one is sad...I remember when a gallon of gas was a buck.

What do you remember? Comments are welcome.

See you friday.

Twitter.com/GuiltyWatts